Sta.sh
If you came from heaven to visit me in hell
Would i know who you are, how could I tell
Would you stay here and burn with me, in the eternal flame
Or would you take me to heaven and everything would change
Or would you turn your head and pass me by
Did you come here to live, or did you come here to die
Are you visiting hell or are you here to stay,
You don't have to stay here, you said you stopped being gay
You left me alone on earth to go to paradise
Will you leave me alone in hell, or will our love suffice
If you don't plan on leaving then burn with my desire
Let our hearts and souls burn in a lake of fire
All I know is that I'll never be well
If you came down from heaven this wouldn't be hell
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I could understand not being able to think of a better rhyme, but there are resources to help with this... The internet boasts dictionaries galore! So in the interest of your own image, you might want to take the time, next time you write, than risking offending a minority group.
But either way, the writing! Although not a particularly novel concept, you manage to communicate the emotion effectively, and maintain a near perfect structure, on a purely mechanical level... Not too shabby! Keep writing!
I only wrote what I did to let you know that it might be possible to rhyme differently, and that others may be bothered by it.
In my opinion the 8th line doesn't seem to fit and flow with the rest of the poem and would sound better without it and still make sense. But that's just what I think so you can disregard it
"Are you visiting hell or are you here to stay,
You don't have to stay here, you said you stopped being gay"
but i just didnt want the narrator to be gay like thay, i dont know it just seemed fucked up so i changed it, so poeple would think i was talking abuot two dudes
I enjoyed this poem a lot but I agree that the 7-8th line didn't match, they seemed to be forced for the word lesbian and after reading this comment I can totaly see why.
I think that in this kind of poem it doesn't matter if you are talking about a male homosexual relationship or a female one. The idea that makes this have such an impact is the correlation between two homosexuals and hell. That's extremely controversial and that factor brings out the essence of the poem that makes it so intresting and readable. I personally enjoyed this and I'm strickly a -no peoms- kind of guy.
If I can make a suggestion.
"Are you visiting hell or are you here to stay,
You don't have to play me, like you stopped being gay."
---- Its SOOO agaisnt my policy to give suggestions, but I think this poem is pretty damn amazing. I don't tend to enjoy a poem unless its genuinely awesome. So...that' makes this genuinely awesome. I super love it.
I'm not...gay or anything but I just wanted to add that I'm a strong believer in God and that...if you ever doubted stop cause God is loving and forgiving, he wouldn't put nobody in hell for something they couldn't control.
Not...that writing a poem like this means your gay or nothing. I don't know you personally.
Anyway, I just wanted to state...that I only have one other poem in my favorites. 1. And that was a DD man. A DD.
So this stuff is good man. Its good.